WTF!
by Uber Spoonz
Summary: Let's see... We've got Zelda, Inuyasha, Tales of Symphonia, Hitchhiker's Guide, Harry Potter, umm... and anything else I can think of! Of course, featuring Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura! Plot summary within. Warning: OOC TO THE MAX! Rated for STUFF!
1. The Magical Cookies of BuTtErFlY lAnD!

**Okay, I've never written for Naruto before, and I've created a fanfiction term here:**

**ATF (Aim to flame): _n _When one is expecting to receive flames.**

**Just... Don't be too mean, okay? I have a delicate self-confidence. Anyway, this was inspired by an argument with Taylor, my friend from art class, about whether or not Sasuke is Goth. After getting her to agree with me (through underhanded trickery), we somehow arrived at this. Quote: "Only you could think of Naruto as a narwhal." From Taylor to me. n.n**

Summary: In this crazy world of mine, there are many people. The Goths. The preps. And the NARWHALS! Join Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura on their quest for the Holy Glue Stick of Azaroth as a cure for the strangeness brought upon them by the Magical Cookies of BuTtErFlY lAnD! Together they shall venture through the worlds of ANY NUMBER of anime, video game, or book characters that I've seen, played, or read! Warning: You will not find a single Naruto fic that's any more OOC...

**Chapter 1: The Magical Cookies of BuTtErFlY lAnD!**

Ed the Authoress was meandering along on her everlasting quest for the most random pee-in-your-pants humor she could find when she strayed out of Hyrule and into another world completely! Where did she turn up? In Termina? No. In Labrynna? No. In Holodrum? No.

Look carefully. What section is this fanfiction in?

If you guessed the world of _Naruto_, you get a hundred! If you guessed anything else, you FAIL and must repeat the entire six-year course.

Yes, Ed has wandered into _Naruto_ and has had one niffeltypoot of an idea for the three main characters: Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. What does she have planned? You'll see. Oh, how you shall see…

---

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, I'm hungry!" Naruto complained. "Shut up," Sakura muttered, weak from hunger. For some reason, they had been told there would be a picnic in the middle of that barren, desolate wasteland they were now in. There were no people. There was no food. There was no picnic. After hours of trekking, the stark arid desert had rendered them starving and foodless. Naruto had tried to eat a local cactus, but… Well, the details are far too morbid to go into. Let's just say it's a good thing they had antibiotic cream. How was he to know there was a poisoning scorpion in that cactus? How the hay did a poisonous scorpion get into that cactus? Who cares about a cactus!

Someone cared about the cactus. There was a bright flash of light behind the trio, followed by a cloud of smoke. A short brunette in a striped shirt ran from behind a cactus (see? See?) and into the center of the smoke screen. When the haze settled, she thrust her arms about her head, a plate of cookies cradled on her palms. "Do ya want one?" she asked as she lowered the plate, offering it to Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura.

Naruto, of course, dove right in, stuffing about three dozen of the cookies into his mouth. Sakura only hesitated momentarily, then took a few and devoured them happily. Sasuke was the most cautious of the group. "What kind of cookie is it?" he asked warily. Ed glared.

"Just take it, ya flippin' Goth."

"Yes, ma'am…"

So Sasuke also ate some cookies. They ate lots and lots of cookies. It seemed Ed's plate was endless, always producing more cookies. They were too busy eating to notice the demented Authoress sitting behind them with an Easy-Bake Oven. Oh well.

Eventually the cookies did stop coming. "HAHAHAHAH!" Ed laughed maniacally. "You just ate the Magical Cookies of BuTtErFlY lAnD (capitalization required)! Now you'll become your polar opposite! BEWARE!"

Sakura sneezed. When she had recovered from the violent outburst of nasal mucus, her eyes were dark and evil looking. "What the…?" she said in an emotionless voice. "My hair is _pink_? _Pink_! PINK!" she screamed. "I seriously need to get to a hair salon and get it dyed black…"

"I'm with you, girlfriend!" Sasuke said with a valley girl accent. "But why on _earth_ do you want to dye your hair black? It's _pink_, the best color ever! I'm so going to dye my own hair hot pink! What do you think, Naruto?" The Gothic-dressed prep turned to his blonde companion.

"Narwhal narwhal," narwhalled Naruto. "WTF, narwhal! My polar opposite is a _narwhal_, narwhal!"

Ed the Authoress's face could be compared to this: X3

"Yes!" she screeched. "The new Goth, the new prep, and the NARWHAL! You shall remain this way until you find and eat the Holy Glue Stick of Azaroth! To find such a relic, three of them nonetheless, you must venture through MY WORLD!" Ed threw her arms to the sky. Literally. She detached her arms and threw them up. Don't ask how she managed to throw stuff without arms…

Anyway, once in the sky, the arms pointed to the sun and some DIMENSIONAL SHIFT occurred. When they looked around themselves, they found they had been sent to Crossover Land! What is Crossover Land? Allow me to explain.

From the fanfiction written by Ed, you'd think she only liked Zelda. Far from it. Ed likes all kinds of anime and video games, not to mention manga! Crossover Land is this insane little world in her mind where it all comes together. Do not, however, be deceived. This is a _Naruto_ fic, featuring Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto. GUEST-STARRING all kinds of characters! Lesson over! Back to the fic.

Sasuke gazed across the magical looking plain of Crossover Land. "Like, where are we?" he asked, retaining his girlie accent. "I hate this place," Sakura grumbled as she ground a nearby tulip to medicinal powder. "Narwhal!" narwhalled Naruto.

Suddenly a short blonde child with a green tunic ran up to them. "What are you doing in the moon?" he inquired as he pulled out a funky mask with funky patterns drawn on it. When the funky kid put on the funky mask, he turned into a funky GOD! Oh yeah!

"He's a ferocious god, narwhal," Naruto narwhalled. "Ooh, he's a hottie!" Sasuke squealed as he drew fangirly hearts on a mysteriously obtained notebook with a feathery pink pen that wrote in pink ink. "Evil…" hissed Sakura.

Oni Link's face could be compared to this: O.o

**Like I said, ATF, but be generous. I, personally, think it's kinda funny! n.n Well, a review sure would be nice. Oh, and lots of flames! The more flames I get, the more pork fried rice the Chinese restaurant down the street can cook for me! X3**

**It's going to get weirdo. MUCH weirder. Beware. It'll have Zelda, Inuyasha, s-CRY-ed, Dragon Knights, Tales of Symphonia, and ANYTHING ELSE I CAN THINK OF! -thumbs up- And everywhere they go, you will see the trail of smoke indicating the havoc and chaos they hath wrought upon the land... Muahahahahah!**

**Allow me to reiterate: A review sure would be nice! And I'm open for suggestions! -looks around- The leg on my stool is loose...**


	2. The REAL Chapter 1, Narwhal!

**Reviews already? LET'S RESPOND! ...Actually, let's keep this story regulation and just reply _suggestively_. Sasuke's not exactly gay, because he THINKS he's a girl. People readin' this who don't even know who Naruto is... They're reading it because I wrote it! n.n I feel special. I still laugh when I read the narwhal bit... It's just funny! There's no other explanation! And it's BuTtErFlY lAnD! You have to capitalize it right!**

**Okay, I know I should be updating The Final Adventure and not this, but this is easier to write! And The Legend of Advertisement! gets no love these days. Oh well! Beggars can't be choosers, so here's the REAL first chapter! The last one was more like a prologue...**

**Chapter 2: The REAL Chapter 1, Narwhal!**

"Heyyy!" Sasuke smiled flirtatiously with a wink. Oni Link backed up slowly.

"Narwhal!" narwhalled Naruto with a narwhalish grin. Sakura glared at the godly Link. "White…" she hissed as she eyed his white and silver tunic devilishly. _Goddesses… How can someone so pink be so intimidating?_ Oni Link asked himself.

"What was that!" Sakura snapped as she took Oni Link by the collar of his shirt and started punching the bejeezus outta him. Yes, Link, Hero of Time, was getting beat of by a frilly pink Gothic girl. You have no idea how many contradictions were in that sentence.

Oni Link did eventually manage to fend off his attacker. She snarled ferociously at him, and Link ran away screaming like a little girl. He ran into a tree. Like, SMACK! Like that. Right into it. His eyes were open and everything. The sun wasn't blinding him, and the tree was _not_ as big as Death Mountain. Don't believe a word he says. It's _all_ lies. Believe ME. I'm the narrator. I know the story!

(Random fighting and punching sounds can be heard. The microphone clatters to the ground. Someone screams in agony. There is a static-y sound as the microphone is picked up.)

Well, you won't be hearing any more from _that_ lunatic. Meanwhile, I'll be filling in for him! Where were we? (sound of paper shuffling) Ah, here we are. Oni Link ran smack into a tree and fell backwards. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura gathered around the fallen hero-god-thing. He opened his pupil-less eyes slowly and groaned, then reached up and…

TORE HIS FACE OFF!

Sasuke screamed like a sissy and proceeded to run in panicked circles as anime tears streamed from her eyes. Sakura grinned maniacally, but pouted to find that there was no blood. Naruto poked the child's green clothes. "You're that kid from before, narwhal," he recalled. Link sat up, rubbing his head. "Goddesses, are you the _normal_ one in your idiotic group?" he observed. Naruto grinned happily and reached into his pocket, then extended his hand before Link. He was holding something.

He turned the fist over and unclenched his fingers, revealing a harmless sugar cookie. It was a closely guarded secret that Link was a cookie fiend. He snatched the cookie and hid behind the tree, climbing all over the guy in the purple mask seated despondently amongst the vines. Eventually the guy left, grumbling something about heroes and their cookies.

Link stuffed the cookie into his mouth and instantly felt… different. He wasn't exactly sure _how_ he was different, he just… was. "NARUTO, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura scolded from the other side of the tree. "Did you just give the poor unsuspecting child a Magical Cookie from BuTtErFlY lAnD!"

_Now_ Link knew how he felt different. He… wanted… _fish_. And lots of it. Not to eat, just to sit upon like a raw, fishy thrown. He wanted a crown of fish, a robe of fish, a bathtub of fish full of fish, a book about fish, a fish mask, a fish mailbox, a newsletter about fish, a screen name that has something to do with fish, a faucet that sprays fish when turned on, a fork that's a fish, underwear made of fish, a female fish for reasons that need not be explained, fish buttons, fish gills, fish fins, fish FEATHERS, and for dinner, a great big plate of… cookies!

He turned his fishy eyes slyly upon Naruto, who was busy narwhalling random trivia. Link did the math in his head. Link plus narwhal boy equals HAPPINESS AT LONG LAST! He launched himself at the blonde narwhal, then flopped down into grass abruptly.

"OH MY GODDESSES!" he squealed. "This… this pile of dirt! If you stand on your head until all the blood rushes to it and look at it backwards after drinking twenty cases of beer, it _almost_ looks like a fish!"

The guy in the purple mask Link managed to frighten away earlier pointed to his funky mask. Seeing that he didn't have their attention at all, he waved his arms at his desired audience. This didn't evoke any more effect, for the others were crowded around trying to discern the fish within the pile of dirt. "LOOK AT ME!" the guy demanded, screaming to the heavens.

"Aww, somebody needs a hug!" Sasuke sang as he (remember, he _is_ still a boy) spread his arms and approached the masked guy, who backed away nervously. "No, no! That won't be necessary!" he argued. "But now that I have your attention… Who do you think I am?"

"ODOLWA, narhwal!" Naruto shouted. Link looked at him quizzically, then turned back to the masked guy and, for the first time, noticed that he was nine feet tall and made of wood with a horde of flaming moths following him (1). "Ohh, it _is_ Odolwa!"

Masked Jungle Guardian Odolwa tore of Majora's Mask to reveal… ANOTHER MASK! Sakura sat down beside a tree and busied herself with finding unique ways to ignite the pretty little flowers around her. Sasuke took out his mysteriously obtained notebook and doodled dress designs for Odolwa in pink ink. Naruto used his Power of the Narwhal to summon a lance made from the horn of a narwhal. Link just drew some dinky little sword…

"2004! 2004!" Odolwa repeated as he swerved from side to side. He thrust his arms above him and shook his bootay. "Go bongo! Go bongo! Go bongo! Go bongo!" he chanted as his flaming moths attacked Naruto and company. Well, minus Sakura. Sakura sent them all death rays… Her and her intern, sending death rays (2).

Everyone's face (except Sakura's and Odolwa's and the moths') looked like this: OO;

(1): Odolwa, from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for N64. He was the first boss in the Woodfall Temple. Y'know, the place where you turn into a Deku and yadda yadda.

(2): I know it's backwards, but I got that from the Raisin Bran commercial. Y'know, where Johnson and his intern are eating Raisin Bran and can't hear anything over the crunching sound and some guy comes along and says, "I'm sending you a death ray!" as he makes a 'v' sign with his fingers and Johnson and his intern mistaken it for a peace sign. I love that commercial.

**Whoo hoo! I think I lost some of the humor... Heh heh, people who don't play Zelda have NO IDEA what I'm talking about! Well, reviews would be nice! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? Oh, and what do you want to see next? I mean, after I finish with Zelda? What show or manga or book or game or ANYTHING should the Naruto gang encounter next? And please list what characters you'd like to see and what you think their comedic polar opposite should be! n.n I'm open to suggestions at this point, though I've already decided to make Inuyasha a (SPOILER)! Yeah well... reviews, please!**


	3. In Which We Skip Chapter 2

**This story's getting quite a few reviews! Okay, I have an announcement! Check my profile for it! XP Too lazy to write it here. If it's not in my profile when you look, try again either later today or tomorrow. See, I'm submitting this chapter before I update my profile, so... yeah.**

**Okay, to those of you wondering what a narwhal is, look below for the link to a picture and some information about it. -coughs- I see I am loved... No no no, don't worry about the whole Link and Ruto thing. See, they're in Termina, and Ruto is in Hyrule. I hadn't even thought about that until it was mentioned! And I hadn't eventhought about Yu-Gi-Oh, but that's great and I'll put that in here too! X3 Yes, I am insane. AND I'M LOVIN' IT! Ba da ba ba ba! XD I always thought Odolwa was saying "Go bongo! Go bongo!" but "Odolwa! Odolwa!" certainly does make more sense, doesn't it? Look at the category, JMG. It's under NARUTO. That means the characters are from NARUTO. XD; And I've never read Fruits Basket, but I've heard of it. Can't they turn into animals or something? Yeah, those CRAZEH fangirls... And, Tomoi, I think we ALL have a y chromosome somewhere deep down inside. I feel hinted at... That's a great idea though. I'll have one chapter where everyone who reviewed the previous chapter will appear! W00t! If you CAN comprehend it, Azra, I strongly suggest morphine.**

**NOW FOR THE NARWHALNESS: http(colon, slash, slash)en(dot)wikipedia(dot)org(slash)wiki(slash)Narwhal **

**For those of you out there who are total idiots, a colon is this : thing. NOW ONTO THE CHAPTER!**

**Chapter 3: In Which We Skip Chapter 2 and Go Straight to the Salon!**

Where we last left off, Sakura was sending death rays to moths and everyone else was about to engage in an epic battle!

But then, all of a sudden…

"GASP!" gasped Odolwa.

"MWEE!" mweed the moths.

"FLURG!" flurged Sakura.

"LIKE!" liked Sasuke.

"NARWHAL!" narwhalled Naruto.

And Ed, realizing she had covered all the characters present at the time, moved on to unveil what happened!

Is this thing on? Helloooooooooooooooo? Oh, there we go. Hee hee, guess who I am, narwhal? What? SHUT UP! Oh, sh-

Whew. Sorry about that. I'm never setting the mike down again. Naruto got to it. Okay, where were we? Oh, right! We were ending the fanfiction! Well, okay everyone! Leave a review and I'll see you next chapter!

Omniscient Voice: At which point Edward was mobbed by readers all over the world.

Owwwww… And you expect me to write more after _that_? Well, fine. All of a sudden… a salon fell from the heavens right onto the battle field! And out of it ran…

LINK! Who disappeared from the beginning of the fic! "DAMN YOU ALL!" he shouted, pointing at everyone except Naruto, who was spared because he thought he was a fish and Link still loved fish.

"Can we take a moment and explain what a narwhal is to our oblivious readers?" Sakura inquired coldly, glaring at the glass screen through which people viewed their activities. Ed descended from her sparkly pedestal in the sky and pulled up a few diagrams.

"_This_ is a narwhal!" she said as she pointed to an aquatic mammal with a lumpy head and a long swirly horn on it's nose. Everyone oohed and ahhed. "They live in Alaska!" she cheered as she flipped to a picture of Alaska. More oohs and ahhs. "They're white," she continued. One of the Japanese dudes who produces _Naruto_ came running out of the salon and said, "I take offense to that!"

Sasuke and Sakura either squealed or snarled when they remembered the salon, then they ran headlong through the glass doors. On the way they completely pummeled the Japanese dude. So _Naruto_ manga and anime was canceled forever.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" scream the fangirls. Chill. I was just kidding. MUST there be screaming fangirls in _every_ fic I write! Hee hee, just kidding! This is my first fic containing fangirls. But that's beside the point.

When Sasuke and Sakura came out of the salon, the transformation was HORRIFYING! Children under the age of thirteen, SHIELD YOUR EYES! Sasuke had _pink_ hair! And pink eye shadow! And pink rouge! And pink lip gloss! And a pink shirt! And a pink headband! And pink pants! And pink arm socks! And pink foot socks! And pink shoes! And pink pants (again)! And a pink thong!

"Cough, cough," said Sakura. Ed then ceased her description before it got too… M rated. Okay, he was wearing a _speedo_. Happy? I bet not! Anyway, Sakura had basically become the old not-pink Sasuke. Her hair was black and, somehow or another, knee length. Let's put it this way: take my above description of Sasuke, switch the name to Sakura, take away the arm socks, and replace every incidence of 'pink' with 'black'. And Sakura requests that you change the exclamation points to ellipses.

Okay, so we've covered the salon part of the title… Let's move along to the events of the nonexistent Chapter 2!

**Chapter 2: TeA aNd CrUmPeTs!1!**

**Ed forgot to take her font off of bold and underlined, so she wrote all of Chapter 2 in bold, underlined font! REJOICE!**

**So, it was about noon, and Odolwa pulled out a whistle and blew on it. All the moths pulled out little tables and set them, then Odolwa served tea. A salon fell from the sky and Link wandered in. As soon as he was inside, the salon disappeared in an interdimensional rift. W00t.**

**Chapter 3: MORE OF IT!**

And that's all you missed with Chapter 2. No biggie. Hmm… Well, I suppose they defeated Odolwa! How did they do it, you ask? Here's the details:

Naruto was all like OOH WE'LL KILL YOU! And Odolwa was like NOT IN A MILLION YEARS PUNK! And Sakura was all like I HATE YOU ALL! And Sasuke was all like I LOVE MY SPARKLY NAIL POLISH! And he, like, held up his hand, and stuff, and it, like, blinded Odolwa. So I says to the group, I says, ya'll didn't let Link help! And Link was off frolicking with a lake so it was all good.

That's how they defeated Odolwa.

So Ed came down again (she goes back up to her pedestal between appearances, you know) and congratulated them with defeating the first boss. Then there was this flash of light and Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were in a school room standing beside some girl with black hair and a tiny green skirt.

"KAGOME!" some guy standing at the front of the room pointing to equations on the board (but we all know he _can't_ be a teacher!) scolded. "Did those three beings just come out of your skirt?"

"We did, narwhal!" Naruto narwhalled/confessed. "We _did_ come out of her skirt!"

"THEN DETENTION FOR EVERYONE!" the not-teacher shouted, then jumped on top of his desk, did the Macarena, pulled out a bottle of pills, shrieked "SEE WHAT YOU MAKE ME DO!", and jumped out of the window.

Everyone's face could be compared to the following: XD

Yes, they were laughing. Why? Because they were on the fourth floor. Hell, I'd laugh too!

**BAM! Another chapter done! Reviews, ideas, suggestions! What should Inuyasha's, Kagome's, Sesshomaru's, etc. etc. reversed personalities be? And what show should I stick in next? THE IN-BOX IS OPEN!**


	4. The Great FedEx Migration!

**Thanks to a certain someone, the end of this chapter is dedicated to plowing down Sasuke. Feel free to thank Miss Kira once I leave.**

**My 'replies' (reply-ish things) were done somewhere in "The Final Adventure" if you want to read them. For now, here's the chapter!**

Chapter 4: The Great FedEx Migration!

"Oh em gee!" Sasuke said as he looked around the classroom. In case you didn't get it, that was "OMG" spelled out… Yeah. Well, anyway. Sasuke then pulled out little pink flowers and braided them together, then put the finished product behind his ear. Sakura was staring out the window cackling maniacally at the maimed and broken form of the not-teacher on the ground gurgling something about detention. Naruto figured out that his name and the word 'narwhal' both start with the same three letters, so he was pretty happy.

"Who are and what are you doing in my classroom!" Kagome snapped. All of a sudden another interdimensional portal opened up and a helluva lot of FedEx trucks plowed through the classroom. Students screamed and scattered and did other stuff that starts with an 's' that I can't think of. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and Kagome stared at the FeExes. One of them veered off to the side and stopped in front of the… umm… (insert term for a group of four people here).

"Hello," it said in a Swedish accent. Naruto gave it a sugar cookie. "Oh, heavens no!" the Swedish FedEx rejected. "Have to watch my figure this year. Otherwise Kirnigerts will move in on Schwartz and I'll never have my chance with him! Why not give your treat to Chunky here?" The truck gestured to Kagome, who was fuming.

Naruto stuffed the cookie into her mouth and she turned into a fire hose… Um, or not. She turned into…

(insert drum roll here)

…

…

…

(drum roll continues)

…

…

…

(drum roll reaches its crescendo)

…

…

…

A PORPOISE!

"Porpoise porpoise?" purpoised Kagome. Naruto's eyes turned into little hearts. "Narwhal narwhal!" he narwhalled in reply. They then did the Electric Slide. Sasuke nudged Sakura, who hissed and put on some death metal. Then the not-teacher burst through the door.

"No unauthorized dancing!" he wiggled. … Yes, wiggled. His head was kinda backwards and his legs bent in the wrong direction and one of his ribs was sticking out through his back and his spine bone was visible and his lower jaw was missing and one of his eyes was stuck in his nostril and his skull was bashed in and his hand was stuck in the soup that was his exposed brain and he was missing three ears. Luckily, he still had five left.

"It's a zombie, porpoise!" Kagome screeched/porpoised. The FedEx flow was lessening so they all leapt through the portal the trucks were disappearing through. Including the not-teacher. Where did they come out?

IN FEUDAL JAPAN, BABY! Naruto fell out backwards, his leftover cookies scattering all around. It just so happened that Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango, Kilala, and Shippo were present. Shippo and Kilala immediately dove on the cookies.

"NooooooooOOOOooooooooooOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOoooooooo!" Naruto screamed as a warning. Shippo and Kilala didn't exactly catch it. Since Sango's little pet demon was the smallest, she became her opposite first. What did Kilala turn into? Kirara. That's right, she became her Japanese self. Hey man, I'm not exactly getting _paid_ here. What more do you want?

Shippo transformed moments later. Well, his psyche transformed. What did Shippo become? He turned into one of those cheap McDonalds Furbeys from forever ago! The kind where you have to move its feet to make its eyes move.

"OMIGAWD! OMIGAWD! OMIGAWD!" Shippo cried repeatedly. His eyes were incredibly watery. "I can't blink! Someone help! Someone help! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllp!" Inuyasha came up and stomped on the fox demon's feet.

"OUCH, Inuyash—ahhhhh…" Shippo sighed in relief. As long as weight was applied to his feet, his eyes were closed. As soon as Inuyasha moved, his eyes shot open again. "AAH! My eyes! Help! Someone step on my feet! Someone—ahhhh. Thanks, Miroku," Shippo thanked as Miroku stomped on his toes.

"What kind of food is this?" Miroku wondered aloud as he picked up one of the Magical Cookies of BuTtErFlY lAnD. He took a bite without waiting for an answer. He blinked at Naruto and Sasuke's shouting for him to desist. He raised an eyebrow. Then he spotted Sakura.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FEMALE!" he shrieked. He proceeded to run in circles, screaming about evil women out to molest him and their cooties. Sakura sighed and put on a hat. Miroku ceased his thrashing about instantly and tied a little white priest's collar around his throat. "Why hello there, little sir," he greeted in a chastely voice as he extended a hand to Sakura. She twitched, but took his hand. At that moment, a wind kicked up and blew off Sakura's hat. Miroku's eyes were, like, really big. Take a grapefruit and… well, not _that_ big. Pretty durn big, though.

"FEMALE! WOMAN! GIRL! NOT-BOY! Keep it awaaaaaaaaaay!" he demanded as he huddled behind Inuyasha. The half demon had occupied himself with munching on cookies in the meantime and had already become his polar opposite. "Hugs not drugs, man," he said, making a peace sign, as he dyed his shirt-pants-ensemble-thingummy rainbow colors.

"Porpoise porpoise porpoise!" Kagome porpoised. "What did she just say?" Sakura growled as she turned to Sasuke (much to her discontent). "I think she said porpoise porpoise porpoise," Sasuke replied with a preppy grin. Sakura sighed in frustration and proceeded to stab herself repeatedly with a stalk of grass.

Sango was adding things up from the sidelines. "Inuyasha is acting like a hippie, Kagome's vocabulary is limited to the word 'porpoise', Miroku is afraid of women, Shippo is a McDonalds Furby, Kilala is Kirara, and there's an undead not-teacher beside me doing disco…" she concluded. "I am so outta here." She then turned and left, quickly. Kilala-rara followed her, mewing all the way.

Then an airplane plowed down Sasuke.

Then FedEx cars plowed down Sasuke.

Then a cruise line plowed down Sasuke.

Then the fangirls plowed down Sasuke.

Then some Tupperware plowed down Sasuke.

Then an ocarina plowed down Sasuke.

Then a 3D egg puzzle plowed down Sasuke.

Then a band member plowed down Sasuke.

Then Miroku plowed down Sasuke.

Then a hardback book plowed down Sasuke.

Then Sasuke plowed himself down.

All this plowing left Sasuke ready to be fertilized and sown, then rained upon.

And all the screaming fangirls' faces could be compared to the following: ;-;

**X3 So fun to write this stuff.**

**Hey, hey! Remember! The deadline for my art contest in in less than a week! See my profile for details! There are still NO entries! Won't someone please enter?**


	5. I've No Idea What's Going On Here

**Beware the randomness...**

**_To all my reviewers: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIE!_**

**Chapter 5: I've _No_ Idea What's Going on Here**

"So, now what, narwhal?" Naruto inquired/narwhalled as he picked a tomato off of Sasuke's head. Turned out he was tomato plant that just needed a good plowing and raining. Who woulda guessed?

"End the wars, man," Inuyasha proposed. "Porpoise," Kagome sighed/porpoised in exasperation.

Then, a GIANT CLAM WEARING CHERRY-RED LIPSTICK FELL OUT OF THE SKY!

Everyone turned to Miroku, expecting him to scream something about girl clams, but he merely read a little pocket Bible with great interest. "What?" he asked when he noticed everyone staring. "I'm not afraid of cross-dressing mollusks. Uncomfortable, but not afraid."

There was then an 'oh' moment.

"Roar, I'm a clam!" the clam roared in a voice all too masculine for it's wearing lipstick. "Keep the peace, man," Inuyasha demanded as he threw a random object, which turned out to be a frying pan, at the clam thing.

"How dare you! I will kill you all!" the feminine, yet masculine, clam exclaimed. "What, are you Hitler or something, porpoise?" Kagome porpoised with a giggle. "Crap!" the clam said. "You've seen through my disguise!"

The clam then tore off his shell to reveal that he was actually…

ADOLPH HITLER!

Sesshomaru then popped out of nowhere. "What is this?" he said with a cool curiosity as he picked up a Magical Cookie from BuTtErFlY lAnD. There was much shouting of protest, but Sesshomaru…

ATE THE COOKIE! And what did he become? He turned _Jewish_!

So now we have a narwhal, a prep, a goth, a priest who's afraid of women, a hippie, a McDonald's Furby, a porpoise, a Jew, and Hitler. This could get messy.

"Sqee! Hitler! Run away!" Sesshy screamed as he ran in circles, eventually settling on hiding behind a tree. "NARWHAL!" Naruto shouted in challenge to Hitler. "Adolph Hitler, I challenge thee to a doo-ell!"

"Wait! He's not Hitler!" the not-teacher, appearing out of… somewhere, protested. "I AM!" With that, he tore off his face! Revealing a mass of muscles and bones. Sakura hissed with pleasure as everyone else averted their gaze in disgust.

"Whoops," the not-teacher muttered. He peeled off a layer of his torn-off face and slapped it back on. And, yup, that was Hitler. So… now there were two Hitlers. And they were waging war on each other, as any Hitler should.

Not-Teacher Hitler slapped Clam Hitler across his face, effectively removing half of his little black mustache-io. "NOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOooooo!" Clam Hitler wailed as he melted. Now in puddle form, a single solid hand squiggled up with - GASP! - a _black marker_!

The hand scribbled the missing half of mustache-io back onto his face, but it soon dispersed. I mean, the guy's a _puddle_. And you know good and well you can't draw on a liquid. I guess Clam Hitler really was a Hitler impersonator.

"I'm Adolph Hitler and I'm the real Hitler now would the real Adolph Hitler please stand up! Please stand up!" Hitler sang as he danced… strangely. Just out of spite, Naruto pushed him down.

"Look everyone! Naruto's standing up! He's, like, the real Adolph Hitler!" Sasuke observed loudly. Sesshomaru then lost it and attacked the accused 'Hitler'.

"MY PEOPLE WILL NO LONGER YOUR BE YOUR PLAY THINGS!" he screamed as he slashed repeatedly with poison-tipped claws.

"Hey, Big Bro, let's all get along," Inuyasha suggested as he made a peace symbol to Sesshy. The other white-haired demon Jew stared at his brother with cruel eyes, but his gaze then softened and tears filled his eyes, just _ruining_ his fancy eyeliner. "Brother!" he sobbed, collapsing into Inuyasha's embrace. "It's okay, Bro. It's all over. We got years of peace ahead of us. Let's all share the love," the hippie reassured. Then he washed his air with Herbal Essences.

"Oh em gee! Don't you know they, like, totally use animal testing with that stuff!" Sasuke warned. Inuyasha gasped and immediately drew up some signs for a picket… thing. With the protesting and whatnot. You know what I mean.

"Come on, Bro! Let's go _save the animals_!" Inuyasha said as he threw an arm around Sesshy's shoulder and pointed to the sky dramatically. The backdrop consisted of many, many colorful lines all radiating outwards from Inuyasha's head. The siblings then ran directly into the backdrop, tearing a gaping hole in it.

Naruto glanced through the hole warily. "I think this is our ticket out, narwhal," he said, gesturing to Sasuke and Sakura. The latter two climbed through the hole and into another section of Crossover Land. As Naruto turned to follow, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked over his shoulder to see a very sad-looking Kagome.

"P-porpoise?" she questioned. "Narwhal narwhal, nar!" Naruto narwhalled soothingly. Tears brimmed at Kagome's chocolate eyes. "Porpoise!" she laughed as the tears spilled down her cheeks. "Narwhal," Naruto murmured with a nod. He went through the gaping hole, at which point the backdrop repaired itself and the portal disappeared.

"PORPOISE!" Kagome porpoised one last time. An atmospheric rain began falling. Then the mood was totally shattered. "Would someone PLEASE step on my feet!" Shippo begged.

Kagome's face could be compared to the following: -.-;

---

"Where are we now, narwhal?" Naruto narwhalled in awe as he glanced around the chamber. There was ice all over the place, and a fiery light illuminated the room.

"Come on! We need to hurry and get to the Mars Lighthouse Aerie!" came a male voice from an auxiliary corridor. A door swung open, and through it came a guy with brown hair and a green cape. Somehow, eight other people came out of his pocket and spread around him. Seven of them looked ready for battle, and one of them was just… old. W00t. Old guy.

"You! …Who are you?" the guy with brown hair, who was obviously the leader, question with a raised eyebrow. Naruto noted that his sword was out.

"I, uh… I COME BEARING GIFTS!" he shouted as he presented the nine people with some of his Magical Cookies from BuTtErFlY lAnD.

The brunette buy's face could be compared to the following: o.ô

**No offense to any Jewish folks reading this, 'kay? Next chapter we get into Golden Sun! YAY! Expect some of THE MOST RANDOM crap ever.**

**Also, I know I said stuff in my summary that hasn't yet appeared in the story, but YET is the key word. Harry Potter'll probably come in after Golden Sun for those of you waiting. And yes, Harry WILL be evil. But it's not the evil you're expecting...**

**One more thing! There's a new contest in the works! It's not an art contest this time, so I don't wanna hear, "I can't draw!" The deadline is December 1st and the details are in my profile.**

**Seriously, this is the LAST thing. My buddy Tomai has a great Naruto fanfiction on the way, and I strongly suggest keeping a look-out for it. It's really funny, has a great plot, and the errors are kept to a bone-bare minimum.**

**THAT IS ALL. PLEASE REVIEW!**


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